The original topic was “a memory from the past,” but I only kept remembering very bad things, so every time I tried to write about that topic, I ended up getting upset. This is why the break happened between my last post and this one 😀 Eventually I just decided to change the topic altogether. Since I am in the process of improving my life, I thought I would write down a list of things that I want to do, but for various reasons have not started on or simply not done over the years. I’m hoping that one day I will not have to force myself to do the things I want to do and that I actually enjoy doing.
- Read books, watch movies and television shows. There have been things I have wanted to read and see for ages now, but I just never seem to find energy for them. Just a few days ago I asked my boyfriend if we could watch the director’s cut of “Alien,” but in the end felt that I couldn’t actually muster the energy to watch it… and that despite me actually wanting to see it a lot.
- Draw and do more handicraft. I have drawn a couple of pictures the past year, but I haven’t touched any of my other craft supplies for… a few years now 😦
- Go out with my friends and accept invitations without my first reaction being a “No, I don’t want to go/No I can’t go.” I love my friends and I usually love spending time with them when I do, but I always want to say no, because it’s more comfortable being at home and also safer, because maybe I’ll meet up with people and do something stupid and they’ll hate me. I want to get rid of that mentality.
- Have more energy to do things in a better way. By this I mean things I care about… for instance I would like to make an effort to get a re-usable coffee cup that I could carry around so I wouldn’t have to use disposable paper cups when I buy coffee. I’d like to sew net bags to use in stores when buying fruits and veggies instead of grabbing a plastic bag. I want to have more energy to perhaps shop more environmentally consciously, for instance go to a few different stores to get my groceries: get meat from a store that hasn’t got in pre-packaged in plastic boxes, find eggs that are from free range chickens, find fruits and veggies that are not packaged in plastic etc. This all takes effort and I have been severely lacking in energy to work on being better… and then I am again pissed off at myself when I realize the garbage can is again filled with useless plastic waste. For instance the other day I made chili and that resulted in 5 different plastic boxes + the plastic cover over them (3 from minced meat, 1 mushrooms, 1 tomatoes), 3 empty cans and other waste. It was just convenient to go to the closest store and grab these things, but later I was angry at myself for creating so much useless waste.
- Develop my photography skill and do the photo projects I have been planning for years now, but never got around to doing.
- Find a part time job and put all my earnings aside. I need to create a fund for buying my own home and I also want to collect money so I could go travelling. I have so many friends living abroad that I would like to visit.
- Work on having better eating habits. It’s so easy to go to the store and buy crappy processed food, instead of buying the ingredients and make the food yourself. I want to eat better food that is not stuffed with unnecessary additives and that doesn’t create so much trash. I want to bake my own bread and make my own pasta and pelmeni and… I want to be a god damn part-time housewife that cooks properly.
- Finish my thesis and graduate uni, because it would be so stupid if after all this struggle I didn’t.
- Write down and post more recipes in this blog. I have a bunch in the backlog of my head that I want to do, but yeah… I also want to create a segment for this blog where I try and introduce different Estonian sweets and snacks. I even photographed a few things for this project a few months ago, but never got around to writing anything 😦
I think the main thing is, I want to be able to do things again, because I haven’t increasingly done much of anything for the past few years and that includes things I would generally enjoy doing.