What they DO in universities

“Firstly,” said Ponder, “Mr Pessimal wants to know what we do here.”
“Do? We are the premier college of magic!” said Ridcully.
“But do we teach?”
“Only if no alternative presents itself,” said the Dean. “We show ’em where the library is, give ’em a few little chats, and graduate the survivors. If they run into any problems, my door is always metaphorically open.”
“Metaphorically, sir?” said Ponder.
“Yes. But technically, of course, it’s locked.”
“Explain to him that we don’t do things, Stibbons,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. “We are academics.”

~“A Collegiate Casting-out of Devilish Devices” by Terry Pratchett (in “A Blink of the Screen – Collected Shorter Fiction”)

Life, the universe and everything

A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver fruit is quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark ad dusty drawer in which it can lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its outer skin which crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a sort of a hole for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what it is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is presumably working on it.

~”Life, the universe and everything” by Douglas Adams

“I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body?”

“That’s absolutely horrible,” exclaimed Arthur, “the most revolting thing I’ve ever heard.”
“What’s the problem, Earthman?” said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal’s enormous rump.
“I just don’t want to eat an animal that’s standing there inviting me to,” said Arthur, “it’s heartless.”
“Better than eating an animal that doesn’t want to be eaten,” said Zaphod.
“That’s not the point,” Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. “Alright,” he said, “maybe it is the point. I don’t care, I’m not going to think about it now. I’ll just… er…”
The Universe raged about him in its death throes.
“I think I’ll just have a green salad,” he muttered.
“May I urge you to consider my liver?” asked the animal, “it must be very rich and tender by now, I’ve been force-feeding myself for months.”
“A green salad,” said Arthur.
“A green salad?” said the animal, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at Arthur.
“Are you going to tell me, “ said Arthur, “that I shouldn’t have green salad?”
“Well,” said the animal, “I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am.”
It managed a very slight bow.
“Glass of water please,” said Arthur.

~ “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe” by Douglas Adams

Redneck Haiku

Nowadays, any bookstore will contain interesting varieties of English- language haiku, such as Haikusine, a book of culinary haiku, or my personal favourite, Redneck Haiku, advertised as “What Happens When Bubba Meets Japanese Verse” and containing memorable compositions such as the following on a seasonal theme:

Bobby’s spring break trip
Cost him five hundred dollars
And a clinic visit.

~Susan J. Napier in “From Impressionism To Anime – Japan as Fantasy and Fan Cult in the Mind of the West”

Klingon opera

Odo snorted. This fiasco had to end. “I’ll take care of this for you, Chief,” he said. “You’re not going, Quark.”
je SoH, Brute?” Quark said sadly.
“I beg your pardon?”
Quark waved his hand with a world-weary sigh. “It’s Klingon. You wouldn’t understand.”

***

“What it comes down to is, out in space, everyone’s an alien.”

~Jadzia Dax

***

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine – Millenium, “Inferno”

~Judith & Garfield Reeves-Stevens